So the other day my coworker Tannis left her knife at work. Naturally I decided to put it up for sale on Kijiji. Some background: we use knives a lot in the sign-making business; they are fiercely guarded and often lost (or stolen). Sort of like pens or staplers in other office environments. Tannis has hers engraved with her name; mine has pieces of fluorescent vinyl on it. Anyways. One becomes rather attached to one’s knife, as one does with objects that one depends on. As far as I know, nobody has yet to name theirs, however.

Welp, here’s the ad: (Link to Kijiji , as long as it’s up)

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For Sale – 1 amazing knife. I don’t want to let it go, but I’ve already got one amazing knife and my house isn’t big enough for two amazing knives. (One would buy a bigger house, but one doesn’t want to be too ostentatious. It just screams “new money”.)

Pretty amazing, actually

It says “Tannis” on the back in some terrible font, but you can easily modify it to say “annis” or “Tan” or “Tan is”. Or you can pretend the “T” is a “J” so it says “Jannis”. If any of these words is your name, I strongly recommend this amazing knife. From what I see on the Shopping Channel, having your name on things means you enjoy it more. You could also scratch the text out and go “au naturel”. It’s your knife! Who am I to tell you what to do with it? This is North America. Go nuts.

"Tan is"

I know, I know. You’re looking at this knife, and you’re getting pretty excited. But wait, you say. The blade isn’t very long. It’ll wear out soon! Don’t worry, I’ll toss in an extra blade for your cutting pleasure. Thanks, you say. You’re such a great person, you say. I know. Sometimes it’s hard, dealing with the crushing weight of everyone’s approval. Yet somehow, life goes on.

I’ve included some pictures of the knife being used in various situations, to show you just how amazing it is. Keep in mind, this is only a small number of the many ways you can use it. Don’t let your cramped brain restrict the limits of this amazing knife. Set it free!

OK, let’s go through the pictures. So many! I couldn’t help myself.

A whole orange, imagine

This knife is terrific for use in the kitchen. It’s too bad you can’t put a video up here, but I’ve included a before-and-after on an unfortunate orange. It didn’t stand a chance. Oranges are nothing to the amazing knife. This knife just doesn’t care. It’s pretty badass, actually. If I had a chicken carcass lying around, I’d chop that in half to show you guys just how amazing this knife is, but I just finished digesting the bones yesterday. Perhaps next week, if nobody has bought this amazing knife. (Which would be highly unlikely.)

I can't believe it

It’s also great for opening clandestine packets of Pocky under your desk at work. Your coworkers will never know that you have food they could steal. As a side note: it’s pronounced “Pokey”, not “pocky”. I will refer you to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocky#Pronunciation) on this, since I can discern you are a person who enjoys being corrected.

It's delicious!

In a pinch it makes a terrific coffee stirrer. As a bonus, people will treat you with a new level of respect when they see you stirring your coffee with an amazing knife. “Watch out”, your coworkers will say. “We’re dealing with a badass over here.”

Why yes, I did get this mug in Vancouver, thank you

Say you’re reading a gigantic book, because you’re terrifically smart. (Of course you are.) Only you have to stop halfway through, because your organic spelt kosher vegan shampoo has finished boiling. Don’t fret! Simply insert the amazing knife between the pages and rescue your shampoo before it ruins your mother’s Le Creuset. Your hair and your mother will thank you.

Sometimes I wish I didn't read so much

You can also use it to fix your bike. If you don’t have a bike, I strongly recommend one in addition to this amazing knife. It will greatly enhance your enjoyment of the amazing knife, since it’s difficult to wave a knife around in public. Sometimes people get upset, especially on planes. A bike is a bigger way of saying “I have an amazing knife, and as such, I’m better than you.” People are reassured when you can show them your inherent superiority. As you know, social unrest comes about only when people don’t know their place.

Do not try this at home, I am a professional

I see you’ve gotten this far. I sense in you much hunger for knowledge. Alas, I am constrained by the petty limitations of this commercial website. You must use this information as a whetstone for your thirst. You must use it as an axe to grind against the ramparts of ignorance. You must press on until you can’t mix your metaphors any further. I cannot help you any more. It’s dangerous to go alone! Take the amazing knife.

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And here are a sampling of the replies, and my replies to them:

Dear Sir,
I love your amazing knife, and all it can do.
I don’t want to bewhittle you by accepting such a give away price. However, being a humble person, I can only live my life vicariously. Please consider donating your amazing knife Steven Harper or Brad Wall so they can effortlessly slash our current deficits into tiny morsels. Thank you,
thank yu, thany yu.

-Alas, I offered it to them, but they said they were only interested in cutting taxes, not the deficit.

“I would like the amazing knife are you set on price or would you be open to negotiations?”

-I currently am in talks with a “Tannis” who is negotiating the sale of her only child in order to buy it. Should this fall through, I would be more than happy to sell it to you.

“ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS!!! GREAT AD!! TWO THUMBS UP”

“to many beers and hoots ,,hahahahaha”

“…uhh is this some sort of joke..?”

And then, this person:

“You need to get a job and quit wasting time and space on this site with this BS”

-Thank you for your email! I appreciate the time you took off your no doubt very important and time-consuming jobs to read and respond to my humble ad. (I’ve always wondered what it feels like to surf the Internet with no sense of humour whatsoever.) Don’t worry though – the knife is still for sale if you wish to purchase it! Cash only, please.

To which they replied:

Thank-you for your quick response. No doubt sitting in front of a computor all day and posting ads to waste people’s time is very important in your daily activities. Yes I do have a sense of humor but looking at ads with no relevance to any thing but stupidity doesn’t really appeal to me. Perhaps comedy isn’t your strongest option in looking for a full time job. If you really feel the need to try to sell knives maybe check out the mall as at this time of year you might be able to secure a job selling Ginsoo or other knives.I mistakenly thought Kijiji  was a site for posting legitimate ads. As soon as this site has a comedy section please notify me so I can see what else you don’t have for sale.

Paul says I should drop this and not provoke the wrath of Ginsoo, but I’m currently debating whether or not to send the following:

I appreciate your concern for my employment situation, but let me assure you it is unfounded.  I must, however, ask you to cease emailing me if you have no intention of buying this knife. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “You need to get a life and quit wasting my time and space with this BS.”

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