We open with another proposed Rosewood zoning amendment. As far as I can tell, they’re turning (future) business properties into one-unit residential district. Same old, same old. Personally, I wonder what would happen if they kept, say, the corners open to business development? Return of the corner store, eh what? I suppose it’s too much to ask for to have a business within walking distance. Think of the parking! Everyone would park in front of your house..to walk…to the corner store. Anyways, I digress. We’re not going to have any new bodegas or deps in Saskatoon until the off-leash dog parks freeze over.

Page 3 brings up the Adult Services Licensing bylaws. Perhaps we’ll have some more speakers. I do so love to see people engaging civically, over and over again, thrusting with – OK, I’ll stop now. For those of you who know me in real life, I have a horrifying tale regarding that oddly-specific speaker last month, you know, the one describing the “orgasms timed to the minute” or what-have-you.

Page 4 is about the closing, moving, and re-opening of the median along Idylwyld on 25th. Apparently medians are sort of like amoebas and can be pinched off as necessary. Or is that earthworms? Starfish. Anyways, the Holiday Inn is pissed because they will lose all that northbound business, who will doubtless go on to frequent the Ramada and that frightening hotel where Mr Rizos is. Related: I have not been to Mr Rizos although the significant other assures me it is the best steak in town. Since I get free steak from my parents, this is not high on my to-do list. Anyways, raise your hand if you think keeping the at-grade railway crossing on 25th is seriously going to Fuck Things Up. Also, I like the “there are no environmental implications” appended to everything. There are always environmental implications. Unfortunately this would likely take up the entire meeting and bloat the agenda to ten times its current size. We must let the invisible hand of the economy work unfettered.

Page 6 – they’re removing the prepayment discounts for property tax. Dammit, I hope my landlord wasn’t doing this, because he’ll be sure to raise the rent next year if he did so.

Page 7 – lowering speeds on Millar north of 60th, Central Ave north of Agra Road (yawn) and Spadina West south of Schuler (I have no idea where this is, but hey, good luck with that crosswalk.) The last time I went down Central, once you leave the pavement I’m not sure if you can drive any faster than 60 on that washboard.

Question: why do bylaws have the “read a first time, read a second time, read a third time and passed” – do they have to go over it three times or is this just one of those things where the Mayor goes into auctioneer mode?

Page 10 is a schedule of maximum speeds. Related: I should get a bike computer. I’m sure I’ve broken some of those. If you’re wondering, it’s the 60 km/hr zones.

Page 14: Care home wants to go in Evergreen. NIMBYs, consider this your warning. Although, if you haven’t bought or built a house there yet, technically you don’t have a backyard. NIMFBYs. Also related: did anyone read that story about the home for challenged but otherwise quiet people and their horrible neighbours? It was in the Star on Thursday, I think.

Page 16 is a proposal to add architectural controls to the Broadway district. Now, as I learned in the City Planning seminar (sup, fellow nerds) the City can’t control architectural elements? Or was that building materials? Anyways, the province won’t let them control Something and it’s a big stumbling block in the fight to get granny suites going. The administration (and neighbours) are afraid, and not without precedent, that enterprising aesthetically-challenged individuals will erect monstrosities looming over the back alley fence. It can hardly be worse than that, er, thing at the top of University Bridge, eh? I mean, that was a lovely house and we’re all terribly sad to see it go. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yes, architectural control. Well, you see how well that’s turned out for the warehouse district. I mean, that new Holiday Inn or whatever the hell it is on the old Pacific lot blends in seamlessly with those three-story brick warehouse buildings. Seamlessly. So I foresee a great future for Broadway, full of lovely flat blank gray walls and parkades at ground level. Yes, yes, I know we should all be grateful these wealthy hotel companies chose to bestow these mighty economic engines upon our faltering yet booming group of overly-taxed taxpayers.

Page 18. Something about Kensington, which is actually more boring than Rosewood. Sorry, that’s not true. Nothing is more boring than Rosewood. Although, if they don’t up the sewer capacity, things could get rather exciting down there. Let’s hope they don’t build washrooms at the park-and-rides.

Page 22 – Looks like they want to rezone parts of Hampton Village to be more dense. Huzzah! This reminds me of a splendid letter to the editor, written, oh at least two or three years ago, by an upstanding new resident of the aforementioned exclusive new enclave. The gist of it was that they didn’t want any new-fangled density of any sort because density means poor people and they’ll lower his property value. I hope he’s managed to discourage the welders next door from driving on his lawn and partying all night. (Welders take their partying very seriously.) Meanwhile arts grads making 30K a year sit in their hot, airless Boardwalk dining area and blot their tears dry with their old Honour Roll certificates while verbalizing their despair using their 40,000 word vocabulary. (I don’t have a 40,000 word vocabulary.) (Or a Boardwalk apartment.) Anyways money doesn’t buy class but we all know that since we’re in a classless society, baby. We’ve come a long way.

We now take a short break in order that I may find and complete a vocabulary test.

35,700 words later, I think I should probably wrap it up for the night. My sister is threatening to run stairs tomorrow, and I’ve got several projects to fit in between that and going to the Ex, eating spudnuts, and then vomiting off the swings.

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