Since I am going to be spending the foreseeable future helping my sibling(s) move, starting bright and early Thursday night, I’ll have to limit the council analysis.

Section E is the start of where I’m going to start reading tonight, since I just want to get to the juicy part. (Page 196). I’m thinking this month’s crop is going to be about as juicy as my mom’s extremely well-done steak. We weren’t going to die of food poisoning under her watch, by golly.

Anyways, first item is from Carrie Catherine re. Parking Day. I’d just like to take the time to thank John Gormley for raising awareness about this event. It’s nice of him to take an interest, and as a result, many more people know about this than normally would. You see, with these events, it often turns out to be the same crowd shuffling along from one wine-and-cheese art opening to another interpretive drum circle, so it’s a welcome change to bring in a bit of colour.

Anyways, we all know what Parking Day is or isn’t now, or think we know, thanks to the media et al, so I’ll move on. Consult the appropriate media outlet in order to confirm your biases, if you have any questions.

Reading further…Ho ho, to boil the blood of the antiparkers, (Pro-parking?) the Park(ing) Day unwashed incense-eaters will not have to pay for hooding the meters. In addition to that, the loading zone outside the Broadway Theatre will also be turned into a Free Love area/patchouli orgy on Thursday night, before Park(ing) Day.

Anyways, the parking and curb lanes will be Off Limits between Ave B and D on 20th. Doubtless this loss of [squints at Google Maps] approximately 20 parking spots will throw off the balance of the universe, yea, shift Atlas from his very moorings, bring on Ragnarök and wake Cthulu and the Kraken etc. etc.  Traffic will be “squeezed” into a single lane, much like how Fenrir squeezes the tasty morsel that is Odin, or Jörmungandr’s scaly coils squeeze Midgard. (Incidentally, did you know that Loki is the father of Fenrir and Jörmungandr? Anyways you guys should really read up on Ragnarök, it is rather specific and also disgusting.)

So yes, Traffic marshals will be on hand to marshal traffic, and woe betide anyone who goes against the Hon. Brad Wall’s decree and gaily runs a marshal over. Everyone who owns a business or a Mac product on 20th Street is in favour of Park(ing) Day, so it should be a lovely event, enjoyed by all (except the traffic marshals.) Also there are “no environmental implications” to this event, so John Gormley can rest easy. They didn’t say anything about political implications but we wouldn’t want to run around stifling any sort of political displays, would we?

Oops, looks like I started reading this a little early. Next thing is a change order for ASL for their patching duties due to poor environmental conditions. Doubtless there are no environmental implications for this item as well.

OK, skipping over the change orders.

Now some sole-source agreements seeking to be legitimized. The City needs some half-ton trucks and they want to get them from one buyer. I can personally corroborate this, as my sister worked for the city in an outdoor fashion, and her coworkers’ truck caught on fire in a spectacular and alarming manner several weeks ago on a public and well-used roadway. The truck was going to be written off before said conflagration occurred but a mechanic managed to breathe new life into it. There are also no environmental implications for the purchasing of eight new vehicles and (one assumes) the disposal of eight used vehicles, at least one of which is deliciously flame-broiled. Naturally these vehicles will just decompose back into the earth, bringing forth new life in the form of Smart cars and those bobbly little Fiats.

Skipping, skipping. There are some great old photographs in the Heritage Policy and Program review, reproduced in full in this month’s agenda.

P. 360. Make a note of this, the city wants to petition the provincial gov’t to amend the Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy Act “so as to exclude from the provisions of the Act all personal political or constituency records of an elected member of a local public body”. Apparently this is “similar” to what Alberta and Manitoba does. That noise you hear is duly diligent journalists thwacking their curiosity and conscience with a meat tenderizer. I would like it to be clarified what “political and constituency records” are, exactly. I mean, the FOIA ensures that we can check up on exactly what politicians are doing, yes? Nobody likes their work email to be, um, front page news on the local paper, but you’re a public official with a public job, representing the public and using public money. Also, the discerning politician will have a private email address.

OK, letters. here we are. P. 371 if you’re following along.

First one is from the esteemed Randy Pshebylo, director of the fashionably pinko Riversdale Business Improvement District.

Next letter is from a concerned Hamptonian. (Hamptonite? Hamptoner?) It opens with an ultimatum, or an expression of defeat, depending on context. Anyways, they are upset that the City has not planned development in such a way that entire neighbourhoods are built and finished before anyone is allowed to move in. The writer also sprinkles question marks and exclamation points liberally throughout the missive. Anyways they are seeking damages in the form of $42,500 to cover the last five months of discomfort experienced by this individual in their domicile, who, unfortunately, must remain at home all day and suffer “unsupportable” noise from the construction across the street. I can empathize, as the beeping backup noise would be an effective method of extracting confessions from incarcerated persons. I highly doubt they will get the remuneration they are seeking, though. At least they have recused the City from sending a letter in apology, although I recommend that the Clerk consider it. Then the author will have a much-needed break while recovering from cardiac surgery and/or a major psychological meltdown.

The next one opens with “Honourable Mothers and Fathers of the City”, actually it doesn’t, but I just wanted to use that phrase. Moving on. Petition for the removal of a section of Jörmungandr, er, the traffic diverter, on Ave C. I must say, Avenue C is much more pleasant to bike down with that segmented off. Regardless, the letter writer would like to be notified of meetings dealing with this issue, so doubtless she has been informed. If not, someone please call Helen Rempel, of 1622 Avenue D North. Wait, she doesn’t live on Ave. C? Does anyone who signed this petition live on Avenue C? …OK, there are two self-hating people. And one person who dots her i’s with hearts.

Anyways, the neighbouring street dwellers want to re-sacrifice Avenue C to the traffic gods in order to reduce flow on their roadways.  This issue is pitting the good citizens of Avenue C who, according to non-Avenue-C dwellers, are “friends” (their quotes) with Counsellor (sic) Darren Hill, against the equally good but horribly wronged denizens of Avenue D, F, et al. In order to be sure if the aforementioned Avenue C people are indeed “friends” with the Counsellor (sic), I propose we subpoena Mr. Hill’s correspondence. (Too soon?)

Also there are no sidewalks on 37th and 38th. This I can also relate to as there are no sidewalks in my area of town either. I should start a Sidewalk Awareness Committee. Related: I rather want to petition the City to do a traffic analysis on 39th, all the way from 1at Ave North to where it ends on the west side. There are a lot of people walking and biking along the edges of this heavily trafficked street, as it serves as a corridor to the commercial bits on Idylwyld and the surrounding industrial area. There are absolutely no sidewalks, and one of my acquaintances was harassed by a motorist for walking on the roadway. Where else was he supposed to go?

P. 386 is starting to get rather juicy. After levelling accusations at the “friends” of the Counsellor (sic), we get into some unsigned testimonials. Not to discount the anguish experienced by these good people (exceeded, perhaps, only by the embeepened Hamptonian above), but an unverified statement carries about the same weight as an online anonymous comment, something that I would do well to remember when I make the unfortunate mistake of reading the Star-Phoenix comment sections. It also carries the same weight as unsolicited advice, which is about 80% of what I write on here. I should also note that I just made up that statistic, as well.

Wowowow. These are starting to rival the Star-Phoenix online comments in vituperativeness and choler. Page 386 is where you want to go. I’d reproduce the entire thing here, but I am of delicate constitution and these poorly-worded tirades are raising my blood pressure.

I would like to point out here that I can get through the barrier on a bicycle but I pride myself on having somewhat above-average bike-handling skills. (My husband snorted when he read this.) Anyways, I do agree that it is difficult to navigate in a non-vehicular manner.

Next letter is from Gerry Ritz, of the thousand cold cuts’ fame, agreeing that honeybees are, indeed, important. I suppose this is not the place to bring up that bees are most likely dying from pesticide poisoning brought on by monoculture, Big Food, and multinational agricultural companies but there are no environmental implications listed.

Next item, the United Way would like a noise exemption. I hope this event is not going through Hampton Village…no, it is not. Anyways, if you are sleeping in the Vimy Memorial Band Shell, be prepared for a United Awakening at 8 am. There will “only” be 4-6 members of a marching band present, in order to keep the noise “to a minimum.”

And I’ve gotta end it here, this evening. Tomorrow promises to be a rather full day, what with moving my sister’s entire house during a 6 hour window after a full 8 hours of work. I should fine her $42,500 for pain and suffering. She’s a pharmacist, she can afford it.

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